


Lost In My Mind

by emquin



Series: Season 6 Reaction Fics [1]
Category: Glee
Genre: 6.01, M/M, Season 6 Reaction fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-13
Updated: 2015-01-13
Packaged: 2018-03-07 11:08:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3172222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emquin/pseuds/emquin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Reaction fic for the premiere of season 6. My take on Blaine following the Scandals scene.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lost In My Mind

**Author's Note:**

> This goes along with the other reaction fic I posted for Kurt's post-Scandals time as it looks at how both characters deal with things after seeing each other since their break up. I'm not too pleased with it, but I guess it sorta works. 
> 
> The title comes from a song title by The Head and The Heart.

“He said he wanted me back.”

Ms. Ashmore glanced up at him over her glasses. “How did that make you feel?” she asked.

Blaine sighed. He knew exactly how it had made him feel, but he didn’t know if he was ready to say out loud. It was bad enough that just seeing Kurt again had made him call up his therapist and ask for an emergency meeting. He had been lucky she had a free hour early that morning. 

“Conflicted,” he settled on.

She nodded. “Alright, why? You called me for a reason.”

Blaine took a deep breath. “I didn’t think it would be so hard to see him,” he settled on, “and I didn’t know what to expect from him. Did he want to rub in his new life, did he want to appease whatever guilt he still had? I just…I didn’t know and for him to be to tell me he wanted me back…”

“It’s what you wanted, isn’t it?” Ms. Ashmore asked.

“Yes. Of course it is, but it isn’t that simple anymore. I wouldn’t have realized it before I started to see you, but this is the pattern we fall into. I react to what he wants, give him everything and wait for him, and want him and things just fall apart when he hides from me and when he won’t talk to me and when he won’t let me in.”

Yet, for the first time Blaine had seen Kurt be outright. He had seen a Kurt that wanted to fight for him. What had he said, that he intended to gain his forgiveness and then his heart. Maybe Kurt hadn’t just expected to waltz in, sweep him off his feet, and get back to what they had, but he had certainly not expected for there to be a complication in the form of David Karofksy. 

“And I have a boyfriend,” he told his therapist, “I have Dave and I’m happy.”

She didn’t say anything, writing in her notebook. 

“I moved on. I built myself a life here.”

Ms. Ashmore shifted in her seat. “You’ve come a long way,” she said, “Blaine, when I met you, you were distraught and heartbroken and you could barely function. All you could do was question what you’d done wrong, and why he did what he did. Now you have a stable job, a relationship, and you are focusing on yourself above all else.”

Blaine could recall everything perfectly. He had fallen apart. It had been much worse than the first time when Blaine had known exactly why they weren’t together and how he had gone and messed up by cheating. This time, it had been a guessing game. 

The first few weeks had been spent locked up in his room going through a mental list of every fight and everything that had gone wrong looking and searching for the moment when Kurt had had enough and not finding it. He still didn’t really get it, except that he knew it wasn’t all his fault. His therapist had helped him to realize that and to realize that all of his issues had stemmed from depression that Blaine hadn’t even admitted to himself that he had. 

It had been a hard road the first couple of months until medication and mental exercises made him see everything differently. It had made him realize just how lost he’d become after he cheated and how his perception of himself had been different ever since to the point where Kurt became such a focus in his life that Blaine couldn’t let himself lose Kurt or see all of the ways that Kurt had also messed up.

In retrospect he knew that Kurt must have noticed, that he must have seen all his struggles and problems because his mom and dad had noticed and they weren’t exactly observant when it came to him. It had angered him to know that they had both pushed their problems aside and that Kurt had made the choice to destroy them instead of try and really fix things. 

“You’re still angry at him” Ms. Ashmore said and it wasn’t a question.

Blaine had told her often enough about his anger at Kurt. How he still didn’t see how he could really and truly forgive Kurt for giving up. 

“Blaine, I can’t make choices for you. That’s not why I’m here. I’m here to facilitate the relationship you have with yourself. But from what I can tell, this is the first you’ve felt like Kurt was addressing what he wanted from you head on.”

Blaine nodded. It was. 

“So, here’s the question, what do you want? You said it yourself. You have a life that you’ve created by picking yourself up. You have a boyfriend. You’re getting along with your mom.”

A part of him, the part that was still mad and that couldn’t imagine forgiving Kurt for the pain that he had caused him wanted to stick to the life he had without Kurt because it would mean that he really was better and that he really had moved on. The other part, the weak part, the part that would always long for Kurt, it wanted him to just forget about everything Kurt had caused him because it was Kurt and Kurt wanted him and because Kurt was in pain and Blaine couldn’t bear it to know that he was causing it. 

When he told Ms. Ashmore everything he was thinking she nodded and hummed as she wrote things down in her notebook. 

“You do what is best for you,” she said, “and I think the fact that you didn’t just jump into another relationship with him right off the bat really shows how much you have grown to value yourself and your feelings. But, this doesn’t mean that any relationship with Kurt will not be feasible. Be that friendship or romance.”

Afterwards, while he was driving to Dalton, Blaine thought that he had made the right choice in offering Kurt friendship and in being honest with him about Dave. And yet, he knew that just by being back in Ohio, Kurt had changed things. It was what he did. 

He parked his car and headed inside his alma mater. Dalton was unchanged from his time there except for the fact that aside from some of the teachers the boys that attended Dalton were all new faces. It had been helpful to know that he wouldn’t be around anyone that he had known in the past, that had known him and Kurt while they were both there. 

Nostalgia hit him often while at Dalton, remembering things like his first day as a scared freshman starting halfway through the school year and wondering how things were going to go wrong at his new school. 

Blaine hadn’t allowed himself to think about Kurt, about the two of them at Dalton. It had been easy to ignore. 

Suddenly, though, it wasn’t. He was walking down the stairs and it hit him. Right there, just a few stairs down from where he stood he and Kurt had met. Kurt had been so sweet and such a bad liar and Blaine had liked him from the start. He almost stumbled on his way down the stairs as he remembered the shortcut he had taken Kurt on, how he had grabbed Kurt’s hand and pulled him along the long way for no reason whatsoever. 

Blaine shook his head. The past was in the past. He and Kurt had a long history and not all of it was bad, but reminiscing and thinking about the few months where the two of them had been together at Dalton was definitely not going to let him get away from all the thoughts the kept passing through his head about how real the possibility that they could get back together was.


End file.
